sometimes, things don’t go as you plan. You tell yourself you know exactly how things are going to happen, that you’ve got it all covered. That it’s going to be like clockwork, then the world goes all topsy-turvy on you to make you realize plans don’t amount to shit and all you have is you and your skills to make it out at the worst of times so that hopefully someday when you make it out of the dark cave, you will have a garden of eden waiting for you along with a group of people who’d want to stick around with you after all the shit you’ve been through. But you never quite really find your way around the cave.
Sometimes reality is in fact stranger than fiction. Maybe its all in our heads. These feelings of insignificance in a world so enormous and self-confusing where strange winds blow when you least expect them to.
It’s about a quarter past eleven as I dust of all the filthy particles that have settled on my car, open the door and sit back in the dark listening to massive attack blazing on my headphones. I get a weird feeling which further consolidates the fact that the world is a strange place. And of course there was a girl.
As I went through the nitty-gritties of daily life today half-tripping half-pushing the hundreds of other pedestrians that accompany you through a normal ride in the Delhi metro, I stumbled upon a strange girl. She was too old to look like a girl, too young to look like a lady. The way she was dressed suggested she was a typical college senior way past her prime. She was probably not older than 21 but her eyes told a completely different story. They said she was 70, literally. There was a scar or two on her leg and I didn’t know what to feel. I had an issue here. Should I have felr pity for her droopy-eyed backhunch that clearly showed she was tired of doing the same thing everyday or should I have simply been impressed by the fact that she had a cute face and clearly the inner child was still hidden somewhere beneath all those layers of complexity?
I would have almost made up my mind by the time another layer of ambiguity hit me. Was I an asshole for not letting the poor girl sit by offering my seat to her? She was clearly flustered and extremely exhausted. Or was I right being a go-getter and still holding on to my seat with both hands. I felt a pang of guilt hit me. I clearly was being an asshole. But hey, competition does that to you, okay? It’s a big fucking country with like, a billion people clearly individuality and a number or two wouldn’t really make a difference. Or would it?
As luck would have it, some uber-hurried chum got up and vacated the seat next to me and she ended up sitting next to me. She scourged through her purse-like thing or langoti (or whatever the fuck it’s called these days) for something that clearly wasn’t there. I continued listening to my music and staring at my reflection in front of me with my trademark ‘i-got-kicked-in-the-nuts-look’. More silence. More chaos. I found myself constantly glancing just to see what the weird chick was upto since it’s obvious that getting a seat in the metro is always an achievement akin to climbing the mighty Mt. Everest!
Soon, she dozed off and drifted away somewhere..just as I was about two stations away from the station I get off at, the girl had a sudden sleep-breakdown and completely let go of her arms and turned into a sleeping human cotton-ball. I felt sad yet amused at the same time. I wish I could’ve just patted her on the back and said “it’s ok, we’re all tired.”.
Finally I got off the train when my station arrived and I found myself trying to catch one last glimpse before the train vroomed past and I couldn’t see her. And suddenly ai had the feeling I was being ‘watched’ somehow. It’s a creepy feeling.
I wonder where that girl is now. Maybe she feels good finally being home. I have no idea. But I shall never forget the torture ingrained in her eyes. The pure terror and feeling of horror you get when you realise you’ree doomed to repeat yourself for all eternity. It is real hell. And it was what she’s still going through, probably. Millions more, the same.
But all I can remember is I saw the girl who rocked back and forth and I shall never forget her.
Have you experienced a fleeting moment of self-realization and calm standing amidst rumbling chaos as you pass through bridges and trees like the world’s revolving around you and you’re still at the same place?
A fight just broke out.
Beautiful Morning. Rains. Birds Chirping.
That unique smell of water splashing away at everything. The fact that everything gets soaked by water sooner or later. everything no matter how big or small or short or long. Everything has a second chance. There is always the next morning to wake up to and see things in a totally different way you never thought you could.
Sometimes I try and stay up all night sitting and waiting for the morning to come around. There is always something I wish was new. something that hasn’t happened to anybody before. The curious feeling of wonder and unknowing that is always there when we are small kids. But as clocks turn and seconds pass, it slowly fades away. there is no longer an Alice in Wonderland. no more boogie monsters in our bed. no tooth fairy. no Santa Claus. and suddenly everything disappears and changes. We find ourselves waiting for the night to appear instead. We want to sleep and forget our pain, our tension, our sorrows and everything that is wrong with the world. We all want to forget it and disappear off the face of the earth, even if it is just for a couple of hours or ten.
We all want second chances. A fresh start is what drives us to sift through the days like a mechanical robot bent on accumulating meaningless paper and throwing it all away. along with everything else. What else is left at the end? not a lot. There are things very dark and unnatural that lead us to see the brilliance and beauty of life. You have to jump into the hole to see the truth behind the image. The irony of the thought that someday we can undo all our mistakes and restart with a clean slate is further amplified by the fact that life does not have an erase button. There is an inner destruct button though. Some of us push it just to see if life is different again. For some of us, it was never really different.
The wonder of birds chirping and a glimmer of sunlight passing through the thick dark clouds while the colossal clouds thunder and rumble like the mighty hammer of the gods is what inspires me.
What inspires you?
Just got off the phone with someone. Name withheld. Since obviously it’s not good to take names and shit when you feel negative. Noise blazing all around. It adds to all the scary suffocating lack of air in my room.
Sometimes it’s okay to feel totally fucked up. Maybe one of the reasons I hate social engagements is because it always in one form or the other, brings us to a question of social or moral acceptance and denial. I say why bring ourselves to that stage where we have all these feelings. they all do nothing but just conflict us and make us question ourselves. why the fuck would we want to question ourselves. We’re all a little volatile on the inside. just the degree varies. This brings us to the question of what the greater good is.
Is noise a form of music? I believe it is. There are hidden harmonics. Millions of them that people think is shit. I believe its beautiful music. It’s the imperfection that makes everything perfect which is a state of irony. For something imperfect to be perfect would be a crime. Sometimes its great to be arrested. Fuck Hypocrisy. Fuck opinions and all the people who give half a fuck about it.
Back to the question of ‘the greater good’. would you kill half a thousand people to save a million? would you ever do the wrong thing if it meant better things in foresight? would you fight with somebody just to make sure things don’t go wrong later? It is a question that can break your bones. And I think I’ve experienced it. Literally.
‘You either die a hero or live long enough to turn into a villain’.
Coincidentally, I went to this brilliant play today. It was an amazingly crafted musical. Everything ranging from the music to the dance to the ridiculously crazy humor was nicely crafted. But then again, I’ve never been to see a proper theater play and this was probably my first time. Didn’t exactly seem like it was ‘spectacular’ to my friends. But nonetheless, I thought it was great. First time always hits you, I guess. with everything.
More about that later. or Maybe not.
Morning. Just woke up, had my breakfast. set up the keyboards and we’re ready to go. It’s finally time to track the keyboards for the new Ebonix track ‘Alive’ at my home. Even though they were already recorded at Keshav Dhar’s home studio. At the time, we thought they didn’t turn out that well on both the songs we’re recording simultaneously right now. But when I heard the rough track we were sent back a couple of days ago. I was frankly blown away. Can’t wait till everybody listens to it. It’s a beast. I really am not sure if I did track the keyboards for Alive that well, but I guess it sounds spot-on (well, most of it). So I must have or maybe it is Mr Keshav Dhar’s ‘madgic’. never underestimate the power of a good producer to turn absolute or well half- shit into pure gold, haha.
So since it’s Independence Day here in India.Yes, that day of the year when everybody wants to be patriotic and shit. yeah. right. I never really did much on Independence Day now that I come and think of all the previous years. But what I remember is it’s always been a holiday and like always, I shall enjoy it lazing around like a scumbag around my place and maybe if I feel a little more adventurous, I shall venture out for a stroll to India Gate or around the mall right next to my place. Holidays are so fun. especially in the morning.
I’m very stoked today for a change, cos usually when I write this blog I’m either seriously fucking high or very depressed, but today shall be a welcome change since I feel more awesome than I’ve been in months. I shall treat you all to this wonderful blog post that is jam-packed with awesomeness. YES.
I guess this so-called -high-happiness’ is probably one of the side effects of me getting my first salary for my first ever proper job (the details of which shall be elaborated upon in future posts). The kick you get when you finally see money in your bank account, oh man. OH MAN. Epic-ness ensuing all around. What do you do when you get your first pay-check? you fucking get a credit card and decide to finally do a couple of purchases you’ve always wanted to do. So first thing I shall do, get a ticket for Korn playing on September 5th in Delhi/Gurgaon/Noida wherever that place is located, never been there probably so no idea. Lately I have been listening to Korn a lot. Their dubstep album was such a kick. It was a delight to finally seeing Korn going neck-deep into experimentation like they did back in the 90’s. reminded me of the good ol’ angst-ridden teenager school days when you hated everybody and angry music was your only savior. only this time it’s full of electronic blips and wow-wows. Nonetheless, some people are telling they probably won’t be playing their dubstep stuff but I seriously do not give a fuck. One does not simply miss a Korn concert in Delhi.
On a completely different note, Poets of The Fall are apparently coming to India to play at the various Hard Rock Cafe’s as well. But since I’m such a sucker for money and since I totally do not worship the band as such (I haven’t even heard their new stuff yet), I shall not get the tickets for their show at HRC Delhi. Also, like N number of Delhi people, I’m hoping a miracle happens and I’m able to do some ‘jugaad’ and get a free ticket. but come on, HRC Delhi is not really a huge place and I’m sure that place shall be jam-packed as fuck. I have absolutely no idea how the HRC people are going to even manage the kind of crowd that turns up. but then again ticket prices are not really cheap so maybe a fewer people will turn up, you never know.
Also, I was thinking of finally buying a good audio interface, something I’ve wanted to do for such a long time but there are just so many options, I have no idea. People tell me Focusrite has better interfaces than M-Audio. I’m not sure, I always have had more of a bias towards Focusrite since I bought a new Novation Impulse recently and came bundled with Ableton Live’s focusrite edition. I would’ve bought a Scarlett 2i2 but I used one of my bassist’s and did not really love it as such. I thought it was fine but had too less outputs. I need something that has more outputs and inputs as well. Hence I have decided to buy myself a Scarlett 18i6. However I shall have to wait another month to be able to buy it I guess, unless a miracle happens and I get a couple of paying gigs which shall be awesome if it happens. But oh well, patience is the true tragedy of life. Sigh. Here’s a picture of my room set-up just for kicks.
Also, do check out my band’s soundcloud page as well! There will be new stuff coming out real soon!
I’m back at the same place again. I don’t know or care what the time is.
Society is a structure. it indoctrinates us all with what is acceptable. what is good, what is bad. And some people just zip through life stuck in their own private jungles. there is money and there is work. there is sleep and there is food. there is night and there is day. If only there was more to life. it’s not anymore. We all have needs. We all have choices. and then we have mistakes. we all shake the wrong hand with the stranger in the dark. we’re all afraid of our own secrets. there is fear. Deep fear. somewhere. everywhere.
the fear or losing out. the fear of missing the bus. literally and metaphorically. It begins right from the start. The family. the comparisons. the competition. who is the better. who is the worse. truth is we’re all fucked up and we just all come to terms with it in our own ways. a lot of people see the world with a critical eye and curtly tell us all whats wrong with this and whats wrong with that. They’re never going to see it like you do. there’s no such thing as a real picture. only parts of it. the rest of is distorted, phased out, swiped clean, dusted out or destroyed. Yes, we’re all a little under the sea. But we never see it like it is. yet we are all sure and proclaim war on the question of reality and faith. The sword is a double edged weapon indeed. and we’re just playing cat-and-ball with a lion on slippery surface.
monkey kill. monkey see. monkey do.
what did the social pressure do to you, tiny little frog.
you just see a lot of shit when you’re depressed that you can’t see when you’re sober and fuckful. You don’t understand the outcast.
they are people who will always disappear through the backdoor. there are so many that died in vain. I daresay they were cowards. they did what they could do best. Life is a purpose. and to some people, that is all that matters. to some, much more. Some live to breathe. others breathe to live. some can’t do either and torture themselves their entire lives asking themselves ‘why me?’.
Did i paint a disturbing image yet? do you see past the curtain into the yellow-grained sky and the lovely wonders it bought along. did it throw itself away? did you see the bloodshed yet. did you see the cracks appear in the sky. did it all fall down on a beautiful day. Wait for the sunrise and it makes purple sense.
I just can’t make sense of it all. where do the outcasts go. Did we all really forget what it feels like to be human. anymore. we’re all connected to machines we’re all the same robot. I wish there was a virus in the system. I would certainly sip a piece of the golden sky.
Did we learn to fly.
August 7th, 2012
Uber-fucked. Recorded a 200-bar improvisation on the piano. Infinite Loop.
am I in depression? No, totally fucking not. I don’t look at it in black and white. I see shades of grey and blue. Nothing’s absolute. we’re all random variables stuck on the same one-dimensional plane as the rest of the motherfuckers on the planet. Might as well enjoy and take whatever we get on the shit-ride to hell. feeling like that isn’t depression. It’s called getting punched by reality and waking up.
I’m in one of those weird moods where you just wish you got high and listened to pink floyd. and fade into oblivion..vanish into infinity. there is a huge big black hole somewhere in the universe which sucks everything, even light and nobody knows where it goes and a bunch of evolved apes on some tiny miniscule planet are fighting with each other over what to call it. if that’s not lack of ‘seeing the bigger picture’, don’t know what is.
And then there are the conspiracy theory and illuminati freaks running around telling us all we’re going to die and the world’s going to end. Wish it’d actually happen faster. this is way too slow. I really wish they were actually true. that the world would end already. there’s too much shit on this planet now for me to even start elaborating. So much war. So much politics. So much greed. 18-year olds running around doing coke and half-killing themselves doing drugs and whatnot (they’re doing their ignorant selves a favour if you ask me) but oh well. just my 2 cents.
I remember just sitting on the terrace and staring at the hollow empty sky up above. there were stars. there was so much more worth living for. there was so much uncertainty. so much I felt I didn’t know (not that I know much now either) but somewhere along the way, that kid’s gone now, on the outside. we’re all supposed to do jobs. stuff we don’t like to get money we don’t need to buy stuff we don’t need either to impress people who truly could not really give much of a fuck anyway. there’s just no simplicity any more. Problems. More problems.
then there is social awkwardness. I was never really a social person anyway. But as you grow up, you start realising there’s really no way you can dodge social interaction. even extremely awkward ones. as much as you don’t want to. some have a positive effect on you. some have an extremely negative impact. and well, I’ve usually had more of negatives. I was always the outcast. I tried real hard to fit in all the time. I genuinely did. But sometimes you just have to know when to give up on people and things. Now I’m the ‘weird’ guy, they think. go ahead and make your judgements. we all judge. we need a verdict. we need controversy. we need opinions. we need bloodshed. man is a violent animal, indeed. and that sucks.
Now it’s been years since I was that sensitive ten year old sitting on the terrace trying to trace the stars as they showed me patterns in the wonderful universe. they taught me so much. they showed me that there is so much to life than just us. sometimes the enormity of it just hits you in the face. how vast the universe is. and how small we really are as compared to it. yet we strive for so less. that’s the miracle and the curse. Humanity is a double-edged sword. It cuts you in half, then it slowly mends your wounds. It is a messed up world.
I stopped looking at the stars a long time back. I don’t really know how or why. Maybe because things happened and I started thinking looking at the sky was a dumb thing to do. I got afraid of ridicule. Fear of judgement seeped through. Fear of being victimized by the brutal opinions of family or friends, maybe. Maybe. Stars Die. Maybe they actually don’t, but it’s the feeling of wonder that will always be real. It will always be there. the fact that there is still so much we don’t know. that we’re willing to know. The fact that beauty is eternal and real inspiration comes when you really go and start looking for it. You have to fall into the dark abyss of uncertainty, of fear. of not knowing what comes next. to truly know where the real inspiration is to finally understand the dogma of humanity. where the brilliance lies.
the canvas left bare.
yesterday another painting washed away.
I could see the colours flowing.
Oh, the sadness.
Wherever I may belong.
all i know is you’re my only living, breathing bacteriophage.
I will make you run.
but i will never let you go.
Oh, the horror.
and all i could think was cherry pie trees.
let’s create a sweet rythm tonight.
let the alcohol flow.
let it run down.
deep and wild.
Oh, the mysterious challenge.
like a pebble in a haystack.
burning on the top of a beach.
Oh my lady, you’re so dead.
and all i could do was whistle and wave.
Oh, the ignorance
Oh, the spacey disillusionment.
all i could do was wave my fingers around.
there was heavy cheese in my neck.
there’s a throat-sore in my head.
and i don’t understand.
8th August 2012
I dreamt that I was possessed by the goddess Kali. I remember walking through a street that looked like London or Paris and then walking into a chilled-out restaurant which was half-full. I remember having a small curved blade in my hand I don’t know where it came from. But I remember feeling like I wasn’t myself..as if somebody was inside me. and I had unusually long hair. felt oddly nervous and did not feel like I was in control. It looked like some restaurant right in Delhi. all of a sudden I realised I was in Delhi now.
and then the killing commenced. one after the other after another untill I actually felt sick of it. I was decapitating people in some weird frenzied state like I was enjoying an orgy of blood and violence. It felt disgustingly disturbing but I somehow found comfort in the fact that it couldn’t possibly be me, that I was human and no human could ever possibly be capable of such an horrendous act. I don’t know how but I really felt conflicted. and also at the same time that it felt sick, it also felt a bit liberating.
It felt like I was finally breaking free of something, like I was ascending into a higher state of consciousness. I don’t know if it was real. What I remember is I was very absorbed in the dream. It wasn’t really lucid even though I tried hard to get control but wasn’t able to. And finally after about 35 heads were decapitated and a river of blood had literally accumulated inside the entire place did the possessed spirit or soul or whatever the hell it was did feel mellow and satisfied. I don’t know if it was angry or if it was trying to break free of the clutches of reality. I’m not sure. but what I do know is my brain’s been really tripping out the past week dreaming about all kinds of gods and goddesses, pilgrimages weird spiritual hidden messages. but with this blog, I will try and explore what I feel every time I have one of these weird dreams and see where it takes me.
It’s 2 am right now. and about time I sleep and go back to my ‘dream state’ to further explore the vast stretchable elastic fabric we call ‘reality’.
Off to never-never land.