August 7th, 2012
Uber-fucked. Recorded a 200-bar improvisation on the piano. Infinite Loop.
am I in depression? No, totally fucking not. I don’t look at it in black and white. I see shades of grey and blue. Nothing’s absolute. we’re all random variables stuck on the same one-dimensional plane as the rest of the motherfuckers on the planet. Might as well enjoy and take whatever we get on the shit-ride to hell. feeling like that isn’t depression. It’s called getting punched by reality and waking up.
I’m in one of those weird moods where you just wish you got high and listened to pink floyd. and fade into oblivion..vanish into infinity. there is a huge big black hole somewhere in the universe which sucks everything, even light and nobody knows where it goes and a bunch of evolved apes on some tiny miniscule planet are fighting with each other over what to call it. if that’s not lack of ‘seeing the bigger picture’, don’t know what is.
And then there are the conspiracy theory and illuminati freaks running around telling us all we’re going to die and the world’s going to end. Wish it’d actually happen faster. this is way too slow. I really wish they were actually true. that the world would end already. there’s too much shit on this planet now for me to even start elaborating. So much war. So much politics. So much greed. 18-year olds running around doing coke and half-killing themselves doing drugs and whatnot (they’re doing their ignorant selves a favour if you ask me) but oh well. just my 2 cents.
I remember just sitting on the terrace and staring at the hollow empty sky up above. there were stars. there was so much more worth living for. there was so much uncertainty. so much I felt I didn’t know (not that I know much now either) but somewhere along the way, that kid’s gone now, on the outside. we’re all supposed to do jobs. stuff we don’t like to get money we don’t need to buy stuff we don’t need either to impress people who truly could not really give much of a fuck anyway. there’s just no simplicity any more. Problems. More problems.
then there is social awkwardness. I was never really a social person anyway. But as you grow up, you start realising there’s really no way you can dodge social interaction. even extremely awkward ones. as much as you don’t want to. some have a positive effect on you. some have an extremely negative impact. and well, I’ve usually had more of negatives. I was always the outcast. I tried real hard to fit in all the time. I genuinely did. But sometimes you just have to know when to give up on people and things. Now I’m the ‘weird’ guy, they think. go ahead and make your judgements. we all judge. we need a verdict. we need controversy. we need opinions. we need bloodshed. man is a violent animal, indeed. and that sucks.
Now it’s been years since I was that sensitive ten year old sitting on the terrace trying to trace the stars as they showed me patterns in the wonderful universe. they taught me so much. they showed me that there is so much to life than just us. sometimes the enormity of it just hits you in the face. how vast the universe is. and how small we really are as compared to it. yet we strive for so less. that’s the miracle and the curse. Humanity is a double-edged sword. It cuts you in half, then it slowly mends your wounds. It is a messed up world.
I stopped looking at the stars a long time back. I don’t really know how or why. Maybe because things happened and I started thinking looking at the sky was a dumb thing to do. I got afraid of ridicule. Fear of judgement seeped through. Fear of being victimized by the brutal opinions of family or friends, maybe. Maybe. Stars Die. Maybe they actually don’t, but it’s the feeling of wonder that will always be real. It will always be there. the fact that there is still so much we don’t know. that we’re willing to know. The fact that beauty is eternal and real inspiration comes when you really go and start looking for it. You have to fall into the dark abyss of uncertainty, of fear. of not knowing what comes next. to truly know where the real inspiration is to finally understand the dogma of humanity. where the brilliance lies.