The Secret Room

It has been a while since I posted anything here other than poetry.

Today I must talk about a recurring dream (one of a series of several different ones that recur) You might be wondering why I would talk about my dreams on a random blog. The thing is, I’ve always felt it in life that there are things we as humans don’t comprehend yet. Things….that are just there, they’ve been in front of us for thousands of years. We’ve just forgotten how to look for them and where to look for them. Dreams exist at a strange place consciously and I believe they always give us clues to understand our universe, which is why this narration.

Also, in case the internet or humankind as a civilization ever ends, I hope that in some place this blog post will be archived and stored, hidden for millennia. A record of it might help someone to retrace steps.

Somewhere, there is a building with a secret room. To the normal person, it’s nothing but a wall next to a lift. They’re blue-marble granite-ish. Depending on the path one takes to reach that particular place and the identity of that person, the room may or may not reveal itself to you. But if you truly are supposed to be there, you shall see the wall slowly dissolving in front of you with nothing but a white cube in holographic form in front of you.

Now imagine, you weren’t expecting it and you were actually just staring at the wall. You get curious. You push the cube, the tiles in the wall slide up to reveal a strange new world. It is quite unlike the world we know right now. The sky is all around. There are white blocks, black blocks. At first, there doesn’t seem to be a concrete ground and yet, these structures flourish in mid-air on some kind of quantum alien technology. I am not sure how it works, really.

All I know is. I push the button and I walk into that world. the wall seals behind me. I do not know how I intend to return back.

Before I move forward, I must reveal that all of this came to me in a vivid dream which was I daresay, quite life-like. What happened next, has become a bit hazy right now. Which is why I’m writing this, before I completely forget.

I walk around, explore for a while. It seems hovering and flying in this world is effortless. I jump from block to block, structure to structure. Perhaps gravity works in a different way here. On one hand, I wish I could have explored this world more, and on the other hand it would terrify me to ever think about the prospect of going back, partly due to what happened later.

I soon met creatures in this world, quite unlike anything we know in this world. Most of them seemed to be compassionate and alway intended to help you find your way through this strange twilight-zone-ish world that sometimes would not make sense. Often things would be upside down or rotated at an angle that seemed to defy all the physics I know. But somehow, I navigated. The sky was beautiful and the world was full of strange, new possibilities that kept pulling me into it. Deeper and deeper. I do not know how much time passed. I was asleep maybe for 3 hours. But the time that seemed to have passed during that time seems to me more like 3 millenniums. I learnt things, how to build ideas and cities and how to break them down. How to rearrange these floating structures and put them back together. Maybe I was learning how to be an architect, maybe I was just figuring out the shit in my head, I do not know for sure. But what stuck with me was this intense feeling of clarity and unification. Like, anything was possible to a large extent if I could learn how to break it down and then put it together.

And one odd day, I did venture back and wonder whatever happened to that sealed wall I found my way in to this world from. I decided to find Point of Origin again. It was a terrible, terrible mistake.

These creatures that I kept finding along the way were morally good, I was sure of it and I never quite did question their motives or their agenda because I was so busy breaking things down and putting them back together that it never quite occurred to me that there is always a price to pay for your time in paradise.

I found one of these creatures back there and he whispered to me ‘you must never find your way back here again, but you inadvertently will. It is not something I expect you to comprehend currently. You have been in this world haven’t you? you are marked, friend. You must escape before it is too late’

Now, if you were in a world for 3000 years, I’m pretty sure you would be quite uncomfortable leaving it as well. And I guess partially maybe that is what karma is about. You don’t always get to choose your fate. Sometimes you must pay for your actions in past lives. Then he said to me ‘There is another cube somewhere on this block. You must activate it before it is too late, the red-dwellers are on their way, RUN! FIND IT before it’s too late and with that I sensed the world getting tainted. There were gurgles, and strange sounds of boiling, Red-orange-is pus-like liquid seeped in through the crevices of the point of origin.

I saw these creatures deforming, howling and moaning in pain. Perhaps, even paradise is prone to ugly things. I tried hard to find the cube, but with no luck. Soon these creatures were orange muscular creatures with part-human part-bull like features. And some of them carried spears and swords and they seemed to be trying to find me.

I ran, I hid but eventually they did find me around the same time I found the cube. I had a decision before me, activate the cube or arrest my fate to these creatures. Alas, I activated the cube and nothing happened.

It was too late.

And then I heard one of them shout with their deep guttural voice ‘I am here to claim you as mine, you have spent too long in this world, now you must repent and burn in hell to eternal damnation, come! Or I shall drag you with me into the great roast’

Having no other alternative, I surrendered. I was shackled in chains and dragged into a box. The box was sealed shut. Then I heard his voice again ‘Let the mighty roast begin. Suddenly the box was lit in orange, all around me were corpse-like people, half-dead half-alive, moaning and begging and pleading ‘please let us go, kill us, put us out of misery. And then the temperature turned excruciatingly high. We boiled for all eternity.

A warning, never stare at walls as you never know what you might find.

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Disappearance.

A figment of the universe
A fragment of time
tis’ all that’s left
of this mighty warrior, once brave
wore a gold vest
eventually we melt

crave.

a year past, and the same familiar circles
trappings of my own, a comfortable bunker
evermore safe, while the war rages on

in his mind, in your heart
a death of valour, the funeral of the forgotten

a seldom wisp of remembrance
the past, and the future continue to whisper
to me, a sandwich of entrapment
designed to kill, peanuts with spikes

splintering your cell.
the mind stays awake.

time and again, dripping nostalgia burns
etched into your soul like a beautiful fever dream
it shines like a bright star
above your hell.
some days, you are surprised it’s still there
others, you tell yourself not to care.

oh, sweet nothing prayer.

why must you call me back.
to the end of my eternity!
why must you torment me.
trapped in between the gears
friction slowly rots the bones
here, another ice cream cone
you will feel better
it all means something

secure delusions, unhinged dreams
alas, what truly is a sweeter poison –
a raging night full of green
or the daylight scream?

doesn’t it all feel the same now
the colours don’t stab me.
beautiful, bloody irony
to feel too deep.

A gift.
A fucking curse.

But all the same.
Severed corpse, but an intact spleen.

Disappearance.

in another seventeen.

no internet is the new rain

A day isn’t
a day well spent
unless it’s spent
trying to make
screeching violin
noises sound pleasant.

what is this? a new present?
or maybe the generous givings
of a very kind peasant
a new sample library?
or maybe, an old Wagner (or any)
others are in the race
and they’re far too many!

worked out of my hard penny
This is not just fun, Jenny!
ruckus here, and a tumble there
oh look, there’s Kenny.
On Twitter he is, creating quite the flurry
while trolls and hackers make some merry!

Are these workings of a strange planet?
Or maybe Pokemon is the new game for Janet
and Jane, oh so trendy yet so plain?
everyone runs around the city
while I adjust the gain
in an iffy-jiffy!
What is pain? is it sitting in a train?
you see, no internet is the new rain

yet round and round we go,
all in vain.

The Slit.

Night after night. My head is haunted by visions. They are gruesome and sometimes, terrifying. Maybe it has to do with the kind of phase I’m going through in life. It is ugly. Humanity as we know it is turning into a rotting carcass and we are surviving off cannibalisation, not just in the sense of eating up each other for our own progress. But also, in the sense of the culture of death. The culture of stringent values being imposed on free souls. Indoctrination of the masses. It’s paralysing and soul-shattering at the same time to see a species so high in potential, grasp and level of intelligence has literally stooped to the level of anarchy and the literal standstill in terms of foresight the older generation has.

The escalation. It frightens me. I shake as I write. Again. I wish things would be better. But things never do. It’s like a giant spiral dragging you down and the faster you go, the more chaotic it gets. Until nothing is left except trying to hold onto what you once held dear and near to you. Only, everything changes. Friends become foes. Family become strangers. Strangers become acquaintances. Maybe it is my misfortune that I have been born in such an age, such a place. Things never really worked out that great for me. I was always.

The Underachiever. I don’t see things linearly. Maybe it’s my curse. My personal eternal hell. Is it so wrong to do what one feels right? Has humanity reached such a tipping point that right ceases to be wrong. wrong ceases to be right. All that’s left is the desperation. The moving along, the finding a fucking job. The finding a fucking cheap imitation. Killing yourself plastic coarse hypocritical mass murders inside your head. They don’t stop screaming. The visions. Brother killing brother. The infinite slaughter. Of all that was, all that remains.

A rotting carcass. Rivers of blood and spine-curdling screams. Where is your god? Where is your mercy? Is it background score for the little child that sits and cries day after day looking at the blank stare of her own mother, once animated full of life, a beautiful soul. What has your god done for her. Where is the humanity. Instant Slit.

They all slit. My knees turn into purple blue jellyfish and all I could see were chairs moving, chairs smashing down. upon heads. Upon feet. Upon all that’s left. It smashes down like a slivered nightmare. It’s a purple mist that descends after all is lost. It’s a severed limb, this joke of a humanity, that we call it.

Mockery for everyone. We have fruit punch and potatoes in today’s special of massacre served with a cold side-dish of despair and hysteria. Run for your lives, while we drink your blood through and through. One lives while millions die. Is this equality. Is this where I rest my head on. Contamination amok. All creation runs foul. one way or the other. One day or the other.

It’s all a circle seesaw merry go round before they kill you in your sleep. They blind you. It was just manic laughter till the blood spews out. And the day it did, it was ugly poison. They drink and rejoice while I kill myself a little slowly one day after the next.

Before.

The Slit.

The Destruction of Constant Ideals

‘Malviya nagar. Darvaazon se hatt kar khade hoye.’
Downward Spiral. Infinite Loop. Again.
The monotony is mind-numbing. So much blood in a tiny little hole.
It’s been a while since I posted anything on this very deserted blog. It seems like the oasis right in the middle of the Kingdom of Alexandria. Everybody knows its here. Most people probably don’t give a fuck. The trains don’t stop moving. The wheels keep spinning. The need to freeze time and go back to where it all began shows itself. Would you, if you had a chance? Is it all fucking worth it anymore. The constant back and forth. The buzz. The noise. The chaos. So much constant unsignificant motion. It is the migraine in your brain. The needle in your vein. You want to scream and make it through. But all you can hear are your own silent whispers in the dark. Our self-made illusions. Hallucinations of a curious white rabbit going still deeper down the rabbit hole. Would it be worth coming back? Unto the other side. Can you feel the rust?

It seems that life is finally starting to catch up with me. All random variables will follow a pattern. Maybe seventy layers deep into the mind-numbing logical mathematical functions we all know. But somewhere hidden deep is the pattern of nature. Mother Earth does follow a plan. We just haven’t been around long enough to know it. We think we are kings. We know everything. Humans are ignorant. Everybody is at some level or the others. The problem is pride, ego and humanity.
Where is the purple clock which rocks back and forth through hypnotic nightmares enchanting us all. Its lost in brick, sand, stone and the bullet.
Destroy. Reproduce. Regenerate. Repeat.
We still have solutions, we still have time. Do we?
I wish I could break patterns, but there is always a pattern. So breaking a pattern is simply like life itself. Unbreakable and after a point, pointless. After all what is the answer to most of the greatest scientific discoveries of the last two milleniums? Just words, numbers. Functions. With exceptions. Knowledge lost and found with unpredictable catastrophes. Buried in the sand. Destroyed in the dust. Lost in bloody wars.

There is no meaning.

A Really Bad Trip

5.41 am

7th September 2012

It wasn’t bad. Nor was it disturbing. It was horrible. Yes, I just woke up from a really bad trip of a nightmare. I guess the constant jamming with my band and juggling two different lives has started to take its toll on me. Man, I seriously wonder what the fuck I was on last night cos seriously, it was probably not just air after what I just experienced. Enough said, time to get to the nightmare.

It all started right before I was going to go off to sleep. I always leave my laptop on before I go off to sleep just in case I just wake up with an idea, it usually happens a lot. But yesterday night was different. all it bad luck or whatever you will, everything was positioned in my room in such a way that the light of the laptop came on things in such a way that everything made creepy shadows. The types you don’t really want to see right before you go to sleep. I tried looking up, I tried looking left they were everywhere. Maybe I was already half-dreaming by then. I’m not really sure. Because every time I looked at my chair, The shadows made it seem like a really eerie little girl was sitting on it and it was fucking scary, I tried turning to the other side and sleeping. I thought that this was the end of it all. Little did I know that it was the beginning of one of the most horrible dreams I’ve ever had. Now I’ve always been the kind of guy that likes sleeping straight. So soon I found myself looking straight up which was bad too. The combination of shadows, the fan my keyboards and the wall somehow made it look like a big creepy skull with his finger on his chin was right in front of me as if wondering what to do with a pure twisted soul such as mine. What the fuck, right.

Then there was more. The Nightmare.

It all seemed quite pleasant in the beginning. I was in college and chilling out and hanging out with my friends. we were having a pretty good time and decided to take a trip on the Metro just for the kick of it. There was so much chaos and noise, at times things used to get weird. It was not the Metro we usually use in our day-to-day lives. I had already started sensing something was off but I kept going. Deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole.

I was with a couple of college mates, it seemed. but they were the ones that usually used to make fun of me and the ones  didn’t really get along with much. As in the dream just like real-life, I kept losing one after the other only to realize I was left with this guy called Amit (name changed) who was much more polite than the rest of the people I’d met up till then. Until he left somewhere without his bag. His phone was in it. I realised he forgot his phone when it started ringing. I thought of maybe picking up but I wasn’t sure since it seemed like an unknown number. But I picked it up anyway. It was my mother. the signal wasn’t good. there was weird static for the longest time after which I heard “Son. come back. Help me.” She did not say it in a normal tone. She sounded in pain and very disturbed and after that the phone just got dead and I couldn’t get it to work no matter how hard I tried. So I threw it away. I kept telling myself the Metro being completely white and purely stainless was a normal thing but I knew this shit wasn’t right. i got off on a transit station. It was Central Secretariat. I got out and everything took another new dimension. It was weird and totally barbaric. It was a huge fucking cave lit by torches and fire. Almost everybody was in rags and it looked like people were hungry and hadn’t took a bath for days. Some people were in robes too, which really creeped me out. Where the fuck was I? Central Secretariat? more like Medieval Central Secretariat! Went to catch the train to the platform. Another thing that was weird about the station was that there were too many lifts going in different directions, Diagonal,Upside down,Left,right. Everywhere. There were very few stairs but too many lifts.

Back at the platform. there was no ground below the tracks, just endless hollow black. It was scary and dark. Then I met Vikas Kalwani. and then weird shit started happening again. we took the train about five times and ended up at the same platform again and again, and I started to really get scared if we were going to be trapped in this medieval crap of a station for all eternity. That’s hen my mother just turned up at the station and asked me to come home fast. Then she went away. I really started wishing that I’d get out of this place. but alas, there was much more to come! Finally the train came and I managed to reach Lajpat Nagar…

Finally I reached Lajpat Nagar and managed to get out. I took my car and started driving in the service lane just so that I could reach home fast as the main lane was crowded as fuck. But as soon as I got on the service lane a few cars followed me and the cars in front of me slowed down a bit. I wanted to reach home fast but that was obviously not happening and this further frustrated me. So I jumped out of the car, simply because nobody was moving. Soon I realised that was the worst decision. EVER. A silver Nano was in the front of my car and a white Alto was behind the car. The guy in the white Alto was obviously a psychopath and he smashed the shit out of my car. He totally destroyed it, I have no idea why.

I got really scared, my car was fucked and I was in a relatively unknown area of Delhi. It was obviously going to be difficult since nobody there knew me and the psychopath guy was obviously going to come after me. I tried noting down his car number and it was ‘AD 0666’ Coincidence or freaky brain? No idea. I decided to start running from the place. I went into the housing society right next to the road where my accident happened. I thought of telling my parents but then decided against it as they would already be tensed as it is. I decided I could handle this by myself.

I wish I could’ve run but I just kept getting more and more lost in the endless houses and the seemingly infinite small lanes running through the entire place. I just could not find my way. Then I ran into this kid and asked him how I could reach the nearest exit. He told me he knew I crashed the car of the ‘Great Master’ and I would suffer for it eternally. I got really fucking scared. and somehow every kid I asked seemed to give more or less the same answer. Another kid said “You think you can run away from all of this and pretend like nothing’s happened? you’re just kidding yourself, you’ll never get out of here, not alive anyway”

More panic ensued. I kept trying to run left, right and centre but there was no way out. Soon I started to give up and came near a park. I saw a lot of those kids staring at me like they were angry at me. Like they were going to beat the shit out of me. The looked pissed. They started shouting ‘THERE HE IS! THERE HE IS!” and soon it tuned into an endless chant. and then I saw it the Alto was right there. I knew I was fucked now. The psychopath guy came upto me and told me I had some explaining too and he didn’t seem too happy, He wanted to literally kill me with his bare hands. He said “saale behenchod meri gaadi ko haath kaise lagaa liya tunayy, aaj tereko bataata hu” (literally translates to ‘sister fucker, how dare you touch my car) and then he told me to come into the park since he knew I couldn’t run anywhere anyway. He wanted to have a duel to the death. He asked me what my problem was and I abused him and told him it was his fault. At the same time I started to write a text to my parents. He asked me if I thought my parents could save me. Apparently I was in some pretty deep shit. All the kids were his disciples or some shit because they seemed to be really brainwashed by the guy.

And then the weirdest thing happened. He took the kids and started beating the shit out of each one of them. I realised I could still live on some borrowed time and ran again. I faintly heard him calling out “Where will you run when there’s nowhere to go!”. In my heart, I knew he was right but I didn’t want to get beaten up and killed by some raving psychopath with a sick cult of kids. But then again, there was not much else I could do. No matter which street I turned to I found one or two of those kids of his cult. and every time hey saw me, they started to shout ‘THERE HE IS! THERE HE IS!’  again. It was scary to say the least, the weird freak looks on their faces. One of them was carrying a baseball bat too. I still kept running to no avail. Soon I turned into a deserted street. There was pin drop silence and there was absolutely nobody. I knew something was off again..

And then it got pitch black suddenly. All the lights just went out and I felt helpless as fuck. I couldn’t even run. You can’t run from Blackness. it’s just everywhere. It was pitch black for five minutes. and then I heard a light bulb turn on above me. I don’t remember there being light bulbs in the sky but apparently my nightmare had different rules. and then I saw the guy from the Alto walking slowly towards me saying ‘I told you. You just cannot escape no matter how hard you try. Futile, isn’t it?’

Black Out.

Just A Nightmare, it was. and a scary one, that. Never again, I wish

Bloodlust?

8th August 2012

5.15 pm

I dreamt that I was possessed by the goddess Kali. I remember walking through a street that looked like London or Paris and then walking into a chilled-out restaurant which was half-full. I remember having a small curved blade in my hand I don’t know where it came from. But I remember feeling like I wasn’t myself..as if somebody was inside me. and I had unusually long hair. felt oddly nervous and did not feel like I was in control. It looked like some restaurant right in Delhi. all of a sudden I realised I was in Delhi now.

and then the killing commenced. one after the other after another untill I actually felt sick of it. I was decapitating people in some weird frenzied state like I was enjoying an orgy of blood and violence. It felt disgustingly disturbing but I somehow found comfort in the fact that it couldn’t possibly be me, that I was human and no human could ever possibly be capable of such an horrendous act. I don’t know how but I really felt conflicted. and also at the same time that it felt sick, it also felt a bit liberating.

It felt like I was finally breaking free of something, like I was ascending into a higher state of consciousness. I don’t know if it was real. What I remember is I was very absorbed in the dream. It wasn’t really lucid even though I tried hard to get control but wasn’t able to. And finally after about 35 heads were decapitated and a river of blood had literally accumulated inside the entire place did the possessed spirit or soul or whatever the hell it was did feel mellow and satisfied. I don’t know if it was angry or if it was trying to break free of the clutches of reality. I’m not sure. but what I do know is my brain’s been really tripping out the past week dreaming about all kinds of gods and goddesses, pilgrimages weird spiritual hidden messages. but with this blog, I will try and explore what I feel every time I have one of these weird dreams and see where it takes me.

It’s 2 am right now. and about time I sleep and go back to my ‘dream state’ to further explore the vast stretchable elastic fabric we call ‘reality’.

Off to never-never land.