The Secret Room

It has been a while since I posted anything here other than poetry.

Today I must talk about a recurring dream (one of a series of several different ones that recur) You might be wondering why I would talk about my dreams on a random blog. The thing is, I’ve always felt it in life that there are things we as humans don’t comprehend yet. Things….that are just there, they’ve been in front of us for thousands of years. We’ve just forgotten how to look for them and where to look for them. Dreams exist at a strange place consciously and I believe they always give us clues to understand our universe, which is why this narration.

Also, in case the internet or humankind as a civilization ever ends, I hope that in some place this blog post will be archived and stored, hidden for millennia. A record of it might help someone to retrace steps.

Somewhere, there is a building with a secret room. To the normal person, it’s nothing but a wall next to a lift. They’re blue-marble granite-ish. Depending on the path one takes to reach that particular place and the identity of that person, the room may or may not reveal itself to you. But if you truly are supposed to be there, you shall see the wall slowly dissolving in front of you with nothing but a white cube in holographic form in front of you.

Now imagine, you weren’t expecting it and you were actually just staring at the wall. You get curious. You push the cube, the tiles in the wall slide up to reveal a strange new world. It is quite unlike the world we know right now. The sky is all around. There are white blocks, black blocks. At first, there doesn’t seem to be a concrete ground and yet, these structures flourish in mid-air on some kind of quantum alien technology. I am not sure how it works, really.

All I know is. I push the button and I walk into that world. the wall seals behind me. I do not know how I intend to return back.

Before I move forward, I must reveal that all of this came to me in a vivid dream which was I daresay, quite life-like. What happened next, has become a bit hazy right now. Which is why I’m writing this, before I completely forget.

I walk around, explore for a while. It seems hovering and flying in this world is effortless. I jump from block to block, structure to structure. Perhaps gravity works in a different way here. On one hand, I wish I could have explored this world more, and on the other hand it would terrify me to ever think about the prospect of going back, partly due to what happened later.

I soon met creatures in this world, quite unlike anything we know in this world. Most of them seemed to be compassionate and alway intended to help you find your way through this strange twilight-zone-ish world that sometimes would not make sense. Often things would be upside down or rotated at an angle that seemed to defy all the physics I know. But somehow, I navigated. The sky was beautiful and the world was full of strange, new possibilities that kept pulling me into it. Deeper and deeper. I do not know how much time passed. I was asleep maybe for 3 hours. But the time that seemed to have passed during that time seems to me more like 3 millenniums. I learnt things, how to build ideas and cities and how to break them down. How to rearrange these floating structures and put them back together. Maybe I was learning how to be an architect, maybe I was just figuring out the shit in my head, I do not know for sure. But what stuck with me was this intense feeling of clarity and unification. Like, anything was possible to a large extent if I could learn how to break it down and then put it together.

And one odd day, I did venture back and wonder whatever happened to that sealed wall I found my way in to this world from. I decided to find Point of Origin again. It was a terrible, terrible mistake.

These creatures that I kept finding along the way were morally good, I was sure of it and I never quite did question their motives or their agenda because I was so busy breaking things down and putting them back together that it never quite occurred to me that there is always a price to pay for your time in paradise.

I found one of these creatures back there and he whispered to me ‘you must never find your way back here again, but you inadvertently will. It is not something I expect you to comprehend currently. You have been in this world haven’t you? you are marked, friend. You must escape before it is too late’

Now, if you were in a world for 3000 years, I’m pretty sure you would be quite uncomfortable leaving it as well. And I guess partially maybe that is what karma is about. You don’t always get to choose your fate. Sometimes you must pay for your actions in past lives. Then he said to me ‘There is another cube somewhere on this block. You must activate it before it is too late, the red-dwellers are on their way, RUN! FIND IT before it’s too late and with that I sensed the world getting tainted. There were gurgles, and strange sounds of boiling, Red-orange-is pus-like liquid seeped in through the crevices of the point of origin.

I saw these creatures deforming, howling and moaning in pain. Perhaps, even paradise is prone to ugly things. I tried hard to find the cube, but with no luck. Soon these creatures were orange muscular creatures with part-human part-bull like features. And some of them carried spears and swords and they seemed to be trying to find me.

I ran, I hid but eventually they did find me around the same time I found the cube. I had a decision before me, activate the cube or arrest my fate to these creatures. Alas, I activated the cube and nothing happened.

It was too late.

And then I heard one of them shout with their deep guttural voice ‘I am here to claim you as mine, you have spent too long in this world, now you must repent and burn in hell to eternal damnation, come! Or I shall drag you with me into the great roast’

Having no other alternative, I surrendered. I was shackled in chains and dragged into a box. The box was sealed shut. Then I heard his voice again ‘Let the mighty roast begin. Suddenly the box was lit in orange, all around me were corpse-like people, half-dead half-alive, moaning and begging and pleading ‘please let us go, kill us, put us out of misery. And then the temperature turned excruciatingly high. We boiled for all eternity.

A warning, never stare at walls as you never know what you might find.

The Slit.

Night after night. My head is haunted by visions. They are gruesome and sometimes, terrifying. Maybe it has to do with the kind of phase I’m going through in life. It is ugly. Humanity as we know it is turning into a rotting carcass and we are surviving off cannibalisation, not just in the sense of eating up each other for our own progress. But also, in the sense of the culture of death. The culture of stringent values being imposed on free souls. Indoctrination of the masses. It’s paralysing and soul-shattering at the same time to see a species so high in potential, grasp and level of intelligence has literally stooped to the level of anarchy and the literal standstill in terms of foresight the older generation has.

The escalation. It frightens me. I shake as I write. Again. I wish things would be better. But things never do. It’s like a giant spiral dragging you down and the faster you go, the more chaotic it gets. Until nothing is left except trying to hold onto what you once held dear and near to you. Only, everything changes. Friends become foes. Family become strangers. Strangers become acquaintances. Maybe it is my misfortune that I have been born in such an age, such a place. Things never really worked out that great for me. I was always.

The Underachiever. I don’t see things linearly. Maybe it’s my curse. My personal eternal hell. Is it so wrong to do what one feels right? Has humanity reached such a tipping point that right ceases to be wrong. wrong ceases to be right. All that’s left is the desperation. The moving along, the finding a fucking job. The finding a fucking cheap imitation. Killing yourself plastic coarse hypocritical mass murders inside your head. They don’t stop screaming. The visions. Brother killing brother. The infinite slaughter. Of all that was, all that remains.

A rotting carcass. Rivers of blood and spine-curdling screams. Where is your god? Where is your mercy? Is it background score for the little child that sits and cries day after day looking at the blank stare of her own mother, once animated full of life, a beautiful soul. What has your god done for her. Where is the humanity. Instant Slit.

They all slit. My knees turn into purple blue jellyfish and all I could see were chairs moving, chairs smashing down. upon heads. Upon feet. Upon all that’s left. It smashes down like a slivered nightmare. It’s a purple mist that descends after all is lost. It’s a severed limb, this joke of a humanity, that we call it.

Mockery for everyone. We have fruit punch and potatoes in today’s special of massacre served with a cold side-dish of despair and hysteria. Run for your lives, while we drink your blood through and through. One lives while millions die. Is this equality. Is this where I rest my head on. Contamination amok. All creation runs foul. one way or the other. One day or the other.

It’s all a circle seesaw merry go round before they kill you in your sleep. They blind you. It was just manic laughter till the blood spews out. And the day it did, it was ugly poison. They drink and rejoice while I kill myself a little slowly one day after the next.


The Slit.

The Destruction of Constant Ideals

‘Malviya nagar. Darvaazon se hatt kar khade hoye.’
Downward Spiral. Infinite Loop. Again.
The monotony is mind-numbing. So much blood in a tiny little hole.
It’s been a while since I posted anything on this very deserted blog. It seems like the oasis right in the middle of the Kingdom of Alexandria. Everybody knows its here. Most people probably don’t give a fuck. The trains don’t stop moving. The wheels keep spinning. The need to freeze time and go back to where it all began shows itself. Would you, if you had a chance? Is it all fucking worth it anymore. The constant back and forth. The buzz. The noise. The chaos. So much constant unsignificant motion. It is the migraine in your brain. The needle in your vein. You want to scream and make it through. But all you can hear are your own silent whispers in the dark. Our self-made illusions. Hallucinations of a curious white rabbit going still deeper down the rabbit hole. Would it be worth coming back? Unto the other side. Can you feel the rust?

It seems that life is finally starting to catch up with me. All random variables will follow a pattern. Maybe seventy layers deep into the mind-numbing logical mathematical functions we all know. But somewhere hidden deep is the pattern of nature. Mother Earth does follow a plan. We just haven’t been around long enough to know it. We think we are kings. We know everything. Humans are ignorant. Everybody is at some level or the others. The problem is pride, ego and humanity.
Where is the purple clock which rocks back and forth through hypnotic nightmares enchanting us all. Its lost in brick, sand, stone and the bullet.
Destroy. Reproduce. Regenerate. Repeat.
We still have solutions, we still have time. Do we?
I wish I could break patterns, but there is always a pattern. So breaking a pattern is simply like life itself. Unbreakable and after a point, pointless. After all what is the answer to most of the greatest scientific discoveries of the last two milleniums? Just words, numbers. Functions. With exceptions. Knowledge lost and found with unpredictable catastrophes. Buried in the sand. Destroyed in the dust. Lost in bloody wars.

There is no meaning.


8th August 2012

5.15 pm

I dreamt that I was possessed by the goddess Kali. I remember walking through a street that looked like London or Paris and then walking into a chilled-out restaurant which was half-full. I remember having a small curved blade in my hand I don’t know where it came from. But I remember feeling like I wasn’t if somebody was inside me. and I had unusually long hair. felt oddly nervous and did not feel like I was in control. It looked like some restaurant right in Delhi. all of a sudden I realised I was in Delhi now.

and then the killing commenced. one after the other after another untill I actually felt sick of it. I was decapitating people in some weird frenzied state like I was enjoying an orgy of blood and violence. It felt disgustingly disturbing but I somehow found comfort in the fact that it couldn’t possibly be me, that I was human and no human could ever possibly be capable of such an horrendous act. I don’t know how but I really felt conflicted. and also at the same time that it felt sick, it also felt a bit liberating.

It felt like I was finally breaking free of something, like I was ascending into a higher state of consciousness. I don’t know if it was real. What I remember is I was very absorbed in the dream. It wasn’t really lucid even though I tried hard to get control but wasn’t able to. And finally after about 35 heads were decapitated and a river of blood had literally accumulated inside the entire place did the possessed spirit or soul or whatever the hell it was did feel mellow and satisfied. I don’t know if it was angry or if it was trying to break free of the clutches of reality. I’m not sure. but what I do know is my brain’s been really tripping out the past week dreaming about all kinds of gods and goddesses, pilgrimages weird spiritual hidden messages. but with this blog, I will try and explore what I feel every time I have one of these weird dreams and see where it takes me.

It’s 2 am right now. and about time I sleep and go back to my ‘dream state’ to further explore the vast stretchable elastic fabric we call ‘reality’.

Off to never-never land.