Disappearance.

A figment of the universe
A fragment of time
tis’ all that’s left
of this mighty warrior, once brave
wore a gold vest
eventually we melt

crave.

a year past, and the same familiar circles
trappings of my own, a comfortable bunker
evermore safe, while the war rages on

in his mind, in your heart
a death of valour, the funeral of the forgotten

a seldom wisp of remembrance
the past, and the future continue to whisper
to me, a sandwich of entrapment
designed to kill, peanuts with spikes

splintering your cell.
the mind stays awake.

time and again, dripping nostalgia burns
etched into your soul like a beautiful fever dream
it shines like a bright star
above your hell.
some days, you are surprised it’s still there
others, you tell yourself not to care.

oh, sweet nothing prayer.

why must you call me back.
to the end of my eternity!
why must you torment me.
trapped in between the gears
friction slowly rots the bones
here, another ice cream cone
you will feel better
it all means something

secure delusions, unhinged dreams
alas, what truly is a sweeter poison –
a raging night full of green
or the daylight scream?

doesn’t it all feel the same now
the colours don’t stab me.
beautiful, bloody irony
to feel too deep.

A gift.
A fucking curse.

But all the same.
Severed corpse, but an intact spleen.

Disappearance.

in another seventeen.

de le’Absolut

Another cold place, another shattered dream.

Perhaps, the order of life is tied into the random and the unexpected.

There are times when all the shivers that run down your spine aren’t worth it.

You feel cold with a glass and a packet and a bottle and a gun.

They’re not all here.

Some day. some other time.

Save seven, unhinged nine.

all in me, except a bottle of wine.

I don’t need your shit.

I seriously don’t.

Brutal, twisted world.

So dark, yet so beautiful.

Fever dream.

Packet of lies sold.

Buy truckloads.

Intoxicate yourself before its late.

Find your beautiful funeral.

Catch the bait.

All part of the wicked plan.

Catch your part.

Before it dissolves you.

All that you know and desire.

up in wisps of smoke.

Kill your dream or destroy yourself. make your choice.

Find meaning in all this absurdity.

Is it all numbers and integers?

we’re all creators. before we fall.

into the abyss of all that uncertainty.

all those dark corners that my shadow follows me.

whispering of dark futures and disturbing pasts.

all my life trying to find meaning in the absurd.

this existence, it pales.

before all i feel and experience.

Perhaps it’s all an illusion.

an illusion of absolutes.

Liars.

The Slit.

Night after night. My head is haunted by visions. They are gruesome and sometimes, terrifying. Maybe it has to do with the kind of phase I’m going through in life. It is ugly. Humanity as we know it is turning into a rotting carcass and we are surviving off cannibalisation, not just in the sense of eating up each other for our own progress. But also, in the sense of the culture of death. The culture of stringent values being imposed on free souls. Indoctrination of the masses. It’s paralysing and soul-shattering at the same time to see a species so high in potential, grasp and level of intelligence has literally stooped to the level of anarchy and the literal standstill in terms of foresight the older generation has.

The escalation. It frightens me. I shake as I write. Again. I wish things would be better. But things never do. It’s like a giant spiral dragging you down and the faster you go, the more chaotic it gets. Until nothing is left except trying to hold onto what you once held dear and near to you. Only, everything changes. Friends become foes. Family become strangers. Strangers become acquaintances. Maybe it is my misfortune that I have been born in such an age, such a place. Things never really worked out that great for me. I was always.

The Underachiever. I don’t see things linearly. Maybe it’s my curse. My personal eternal hell. Is it so wrong to do what one feels right? Has humanity reached such a tipping point that right ceases to be wrong. wrong ceases to be right. All that’s left is the desperation. The moving along, the finding a fucking job. The finding a fucking cheap imitation. Killing yourself plastic coarse hypocritical mass murders inside your head. They don’t stop screaming. The visions. Brother killing brother. The infinite slaughter. Of all that was, all that remains.

A rotting carcass. Rivers of blood and spine-curdling screams. Where is your god? Where is your mercy? Is it background score for the little child that sits and cries day after day looking at the blank stare of her own mother, once animated full of life, a beautiful soul. What has your god done for her. Where is the humanity. Instant Slit.

They all slit. My knees turn into purple blue jellyfish and all I could see were chairs moving, chairs smashing down. upon heads. Upon feet. Upon all that’s left. It smashes down like a slivered nightmare. It’s a purple mist that descends after all is lost. It’s a severed limb, this joke of a humanity, that we call it.

Mockery for everyone. We have fruit punch and potatoes in today’s special of massacre served with a cold side-dish of despair and hysteria. Run for your lives, while we drink your blood through and through. One lives while millions die. Is this equality. Is this where I rest my head on. Contamination amok. All creation runs foul. one way or the other. One day or the other.

It’s all a circle seesaw merry go round before they kill you in your sleep. They blind you. It was just manic laughter till the blood spews out. And the day it did, it was ugly poison. They drink and rejoice while I kill myself a little slowly one day after the next.

Before.

The Slit.

Stories of Long Lost Faith

Vacant eyes.
An isolated head.
She was a beautiful nightmare.
Heart full of teary-eyed half-broken dreams.
She could breathe.
Living in a plastic-packaged cheap dream.
Selling all she can buy.
Living it all.
Seeing it crumble behind her.
All the things that die.
She could live for ever and ever.
A packaged cold-storage for all the world to touch and feel.
Awfully struck brilliance.
She took everything she could.
Living by the road.
Creating a violet-red streak of fire as she passed through the town.
People could smell the light.
And everybody peaked out of their windows to see what was the bright light in the middle of the dark deep ocean.
Shooting up like an earthquake.
Tearing up the sky like a midsummer night’s dream.
Too horrendous to see it stumble.
Too brilliant to see it stand back up again and pose for the cannibalistic cameras.
The lights. Diabolic peaks of unaccounted energy burning up the atmosphere like a rocket on fire.
Violas screamed.
Sheets of paper tore themselves up.
Another one lost in the static.
Trying to scream their way through.
Never really found out what she was living for anymore.
She lept and jumped through the rabbit maze like a lone finger trying to catch up with the rest of the fanfare.
To be followed and to live life like there’s no tomorrow.

Nobody knows.
She was faith.

A Really Bad Trip

5.41 am

7th September 2012

It wasn’t bad. Nor was it disturbing. It was horrible. Yes, I just woke up from a really bad trip of a nightmare. I guess the constant jamming with my band and juggling two different lives has started to take its toll on me. Man, I seriously wonder what the fuck I was on last night cos seriously, it was probably not just air after what I just experienced. Enough said, time to get to the nightmare.

It all started right before I was going to go off to sleep. I always leave my laptop on before I go off to sleep just in case I just wake up with an idea, it usually happens a lot. But yesterday night was different. all it bad luck or whatever you will, everything was positioned in my room in such a way that the light of the laptop came on things in such a way that everything made creepy shadows. The types you don’t really want to see right before you go to sleep. I tried looking up, I tried looking left they were everywhere. Maybe I was already half-dreaming by then. I’m not really sure. Because every time I looked at my chair, The shadows made it seem like a really eerie little girl was sitting on it and it was fucking scary, I tried turning to the other side and sleeping. I thought that this was the end of it all. Little did I know that it was the beginning of one of the most horrible dreams I’ve ever had. Now I’ve always been the kind of guy that likes sleeping straight. So soon I found myself looking straight up which was bad too. The combination of shadows, the fan my keyboards and the wall somehow made it look like a big creepy skull with his finger on his chin was right in front of me as if wondering what to do with a pure twisted soul such as mine. What the fuck, right.

Then there was more. The Nightmare.

It all seemed quite pleasant in the beginning. I was in college and chilling out and hanging out with my friends. we were having a pretty good time and decided to take a trip on the Metro just for the kick of it. There was so much chaos and noise, at times things used to get weird. It was not the Metro we usually use in our day-to-day lives. I had already started sensing something was off but I kept going. Deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole.

I was with a couple of college mates, it seemed. but they were the ones that usually used to make fun of me and the ones ¬†didn’t really get along with much. As in the dream just like real-life, I kept losing one after the other only to realize I was left with this guy called Amit (name changed) who was much more polite than the rest of the people I’d met up till then. Until he left somewhere without his bag. His phone was in it. I realised he forgot his phone when it started ringing. I thought of maybe picking up but I wasn’t sure since it seemed like an unknown number. But I picked it up anyway. It was my mother. the signal wasn’t good. there was weird static for the longest time after which I heard “Son. come back. Help me.” She did not say it in a normal tone. She sounded in pain and very disturbed and after that the phone just got dead and I couldn’t get it to work no matter how hard I tried. So I threw it away. I kept telling myself the Metro being completely white and purely stainless was a normal thing but I knew this shit wasn’t right. i got off on a transit station. It was Central Secretariat. I got out and everything took another new dimension. It was weird and totally barbaric. It was a huge fucking cave lit by torches and fire. Almost everybody was in rags and it looked like people were hungry and hadn’t took a bath for days. Some people were in robes too, which really creeped me out. Where the fuck was I? Central Secretariat? more like Medieval Central Secretariat! Went to catch the train to the platform. Another thing that was weird about the station was that there were too many lifts going in different directions, Diagonal,Upside down,Left,right. Everywhere. There were very few stairs but too many lifts.

Back at the platform. there was no ground below the tracks, just endless hollow black. It was scary and dark. Then I met Vikas Kalwani. and then weird shit started happening again. we took the train about five times and ended up at the same platform again and again, and I started to really get scared if we were going to be trapped in this medieval crap of a station for all eternity. That’s hen my mother just turned up at the station and asked me to come home fast. Then she went away. I really started wishing that I’d get out of this place. but alas, there was much more to come! Finally the train came and I managed to reach Lajpat Nagar…

Finally I reached Lajpat Nagar and managed to get out. I took my car and started driving in the service lane just so that I could reach home fast as the main lane was crowded as fuck. But as soon as I got on the service lane a few cars followed me and the cars in front of me slowed down a bit. I wanted to reach home fast but that was obviously not happening and this further frustrated me. So I jumped out of the car, simply because nobody was moving. Soon I realised that was the worst decision. EVER. A silver Nano was in the front of my car and a white Alto was behind the car. The guy in the white Alto was obviously a psychopath and he smashed the shit out of my car. He totally destroyed it, I have no idea why.

I got really scared, my car was fucked and I was in a relatively unknown area of Delhi. It was obviously going to be difficult since nobody there knew me and the psychopath guy was obviously going to come after me. I tried noting down his car number and it was ‘AD 0666’ Coincidence or freaky brain? No idea. I decided to start running from the place. I went into the housing society right next to the road where my accident happened. I thought of telling my parents but then decided against it as they would already be tensed as it is. I decided I could handle this by myself.

I wish I could’ve run but I just kept getting more and more lost in the endless houses and the seemingly infinite small lanes running through the entire place. I just could not find my way. Then I ran into this kid and asked him how I could reach the nearest exit. He told me he knew I crashed the car of the ‘Great Master’ and I would suffer for it eternally. I got really fucking scared. and somehow every kid I asked seemed to give more or less the same answer. Another kid said “You think you can run away from all of this and pretend like nothing’s happened? you’re just kidding yourself, you’ll never get out of here, not alive anyway”

More panic ensued. I kept trying to run left, right and centre but there was no way out. Soon I started to give up and came near a park. I saw a lot of those kids staring at me like they were angry at me. Like they were going to beat the shit out of me. The looked pissed. They started shouting ‘THERE HE IS! THERE HE IS!” and soon it tuned into an endless chant. and then I saw it the Alto was right there. I knew I was fucked now. The psychopath guy came upto me and told me I had some explaining too and he didn’t seem too happy, He wanted to literally kill me with his bare hands. He said “saale behenchod meri gaadi ko haath kaise lagaa liya tunayy, aaj tereko bataata hu” (literally translates to ‘sister fucker, how dare you touch my car) and then he told me to come into the park since he knew I couldn’t run anywhere anyway. He wanted to have a duel to the death. He asked me what my problem was and I abused him and told him it was his fault. At the same time I started to write a text to my parents. He asked me if I thought my parents could save me. Apparently I was in some pretty deep shit. All the kids were his disciples or some shit because they seemed to be really brainwashed by the guy.

And then the weirdest thing happened. He took the kids and started beating the shit out of each one of them. I realised I could still live on some borrowed time and ran again. I faintly heard him calling out “Where will you run when there’s nowhere to go!”. In my heart, I knew he was right but I didn’t want to get beaten up and killed by some raving psychopath with a sick cult of kids. But then again, there was not much else I could do. No matter which street I turned to I found one or two of those kids of his cult. and every time hey saw me, they started to shout ‘THERE HE IS! THERE HE IS!’ ¬†again. It was scary to say the least, the weird freak looks on their faces. One of them was carrying a baseball bat too. I still kept running to no avail. Soon I turned into a deserted street. There was pin drop silence and there was absolutely nobody. I knew something was off again..

And then it got pitch black suddenly. All the lights just went out and I felt helpless as fuck. I couldn’t even run. You can’t run from Blackness. it’s just everywhere. It was pitch black for five minutes. and then I heard a light bulb turn on above me. I don’t remember there being light bulbs in the sky but apparently my nightmare had different rules. and then I saw the guy from the Alto walking slowly towards me saying ‘I told you. You just cannot escape no matter how hard you try. Futile, isn’t it?’

Black Out.

Just A Nightmare, it was. and a scary one, that. Never again, I wish